Eulogy for Iris Parker

Written and delivered by Peter Buckley

We’re here today to remember Iris’s life. We must all have spent a good part of the last couple of weeks thinking about her, remembering her, talking about her, and telling each other stories about her. What is it that stands out in our memories? For me, it was the generosity of spirit that made her so willing to help other people. I had the privilege of getting to know Iris during what was probably the happiest period of her life. That of course, was the ten years or so, during which she was married to Bob Parker. As a result I can’t say a lot about her life before that. So, we’ll have to rely on other people’s reminisces to hear about her early days. It’s hard to imagine two people being happier together than were Iris and Bob. I don’t think that there was anything within reason that either of them wouldn’t do for the other. While they had completely different backgrounds and abilities, they were both very proud of each other’s skills and accomplishments.

Looking back, it is clear that Iris’s major interest in life was other people. Sure, she did have other interests, such as singing, swimming and cooking but in the long run they always took a back seat to her interest in other people. Even when it came to her reading, it was mostly biographies that she would choose. She would become concerned about the problems of just about everyone she got to know. If a friend of one of her daughters needed somewhere to stay for a few nights, no problem. Allison had a friend, Barbara who needed some help. The result was that Barbara came to live with them and became almost like another daughter to Iris. Barbara stayed with them for maybe a couple of years, until she had finished school and got a place of her own. Now, this is really putting your principles into action. For most of us, this would be just too much trouble, or too inconvenient. But, for Iris, if she could see her way clear to doing something, she got it done.

As soon as Iris got to know Bob, she started to take an interest in his four children. It wasn’t long before she was wondering if they were making the right choices or the right things were being done for them. Shortly afterwards, Bob’s eldest son started a family and soon Bob had several grandchildren. Well, pretty soon we were hearing stories about Iris taking them all off to the shoe store to make sure that everyone was OK in that department.

During the early eighties, to help make ends meet, Iris started up a small day-care centre in their house for a half dozen kids from the neighbourhood. Now, it’s hard to imagine anything more tiring than trying to keep up with half a dozen pre-school kids all day for five days a week. Predictably, Iris was totally exhausted at the end of each day. But, when you saw her on the weekend, darned if she wasn’t full of stories about how great the kids were, and wondering if their parents were spending enough time with them to really understand them. And then of course, the high point of all this came when Leslie and Rick started to present her with real grandchildren of her own. Well, talk about your dedicated grandmother. She really thought that the sun shone out of those kids.

Some of the high points of the eighties were the holidays that she and Bob would spend down here in the States with family members that we, in Canada, almost never met. However, while we didn’t meet you very often, we sure did hear about you. To Iris, her family was all-important, and never far from her thoughts. She would talk about her grandmother, and the independent way she continued to live on her farm. You were all very important to her. Since she couldn’t see you very regularly, she talked about the interesting things that you had done over the years. To keep her memories bright, she would tell us stories about the colourful things that you might have done. Naturally, we only heard the good things about you. Iris was a successful singer in the Washington area. It would have been great to have known her in that period. She and I both liked the same kind of music, but while I just liked it, her knowledge of the music and lyrics was encyclopaedic. We used to play a game sometimes in which I would put on old records, and she would have to guess who was singing. She could always get them unless I cheated by putting on really obscure people that she’d hardly heard of.

Nothing would have pleased Bob more than for Iris to be able to kick start her singing career again in the early eighties. They made some demonstration tapes and it’s wonderful to have them now, but it was not to be. The only time that I heard Iris sing in public was at the wedding of my daughter Lauren. We had asked her if she would be willing to do that, and she readily agreed. Later, after the wedding ceremony was over, she gradually revealed to us how much trouble she had gone to, to accommodate us. It really made me feel quite guilty as I found that she had spent more than she could have probably afforded with an accompanist in practising for the occasion. On the day of the wedding she sang absolutely perfectly. This was yet another example of how hard she tried throughout her life to do more than her fair share of whatever needed to be done. One of our friends was videotaping the wedding and so a small permanent record of Iris’s song still exists. It may be the only videotape of Iris singing. We have brought down a spare copy of it to leave here, so any of you who would like to see it later, or copy it will be able to do so.

Iris loved to organise parties. Leslie was telling me the other day that she had been looking at old pictures and was amazed at how many parties there had been. One in particular that stands out in my memory was a surprise party that she held for Bob’s 60th birthday. In order to get him out of the house during the preparations, she asked me to keep him busy for the afternoon. I happened to be cutting down a large tree at the time so I asked Bob to come on over and help. At the end of the afternoon, Iris phoned up to get Bob to come home for supper, but he was quite irritated, and said “Oh no, I can’t come home for supper yet, we’re busy cutting down a tree over here”. We did manage to persuade him to go home with the promise that we could carry on later, and the surprise turned out to be a bigger success than anyone could have ever wished. Bob was overcome with emotion, and later declared that no one had ever done anything like that for him before.

The two of them used to go down to New Symrna Beach for holidays most years, near to where Bob’s sister lived. Iris loved to swim and I’m told that she spent a huge amount of time in the water. They really loved those times together. They always drove down, and they would be so full of anticipation the night before they left that they’d be unable to sleep. Eventually they’d stop trying, climb out of bed and jump in the car. Many times it was only four in the morning when they set off. Part of the attraction was that New Symrna Beach was where their marriage ceremony was performed. It was in the garden of the house where Bob’s sister lived.

Sadly, Bob died an untimely death of a brain tumour thirteen years ago and I know that Iris never really got over it. For several months, she spent every possible minute with him in his hospital room, dedicated to helping his recovery. It was during this sad time that Leslie and Rick’s wedding had been planned, but Bob was adamant that the wedding should not be postponed. Iris involved him in as much of the wedding preparations as she could, and did such things as model her new mother-of–the-bride dress for him in the hospital room. He was able to be taken to the church in an ambulance and attended the ceremony in a wheelchair. Many of you attended that wedding and it was a pleasure to meet all of you on that occasion.

To support herself after Bob’s death, Iris took training as a home care nurse. At this she was a great success. Her patients thought she was wonderful. One of them liked her so much that she took Iris with her to Florida for the winter, two years in a row. It was on one of these trips that she met Jim Radcliffe and eventually they became married and moved to Knoxville.

It was there, 18 months ago, that she suffered the tragic stroke from which she struggled so long to recover. I am sure that many of you will want to join me in thanking Leslie for the regular e-mails which kept us up to date on the progress of Iris battle with the paralysis which so afflicted her. Iris did not have an easy life. Over the years she had many problems and difficulties to overcome. But through it all, she always did more that anyone could have ever expected to remain cheerful and helpful to all those around her who were going through the same problems. Her example will be hard to follow for those of us who remain and still have to contend with whatever life may throw at us.